Inlaws In Marriage-Tips To Deal With Inlaw Dynamics

 Hrithik Roshan Family Members

  Inlaws in marriage, wow, I can't think of another topic that has fueled the routine of more stand up comics than this. It can be a slippery slope to be sure. You want to like your in-laws, and have them like you. But sometimes they just don't know when to quit, do they? Finding common ground, and peace will require a few simple techniques for you and your spouse to learn.
My first marriage ended in divorce. It wasn't a shock to anyone. My husband begged me to marry him shortly after we started dating. I, of course, said no at first since it was just too soon. But as we got to know each other better and fell in love, my "no" turned to a "yes" and we were married.
The problems started long before the wedding bells started ringing. During the planning of our wedding his mother would constantly barge in and want to make changes to our plans. The truth is that that wouldn't have been such a problem except for the fact that my spineless soon-to-be husband let her!
That is rule number one when dealing with Inlaws in marriage: always, always keep a united front. You can argue like cats and dogs when you are alone behind closed doors, but when someone else (yes, even a parent) tries to make decisions or change existing plans you tell them no!
I'll tell you right now, it's a real kick in the teeth when the person you love and who you think loves you will take his mothers advice and make changes to your wedding plans without even asking you for your opinion. And yes, I know what you're thinking, I probably should have called it off right then and there.

Does Your Boyfriend Really Love You - 4 Tips

Romantic sunson

 Do you ever have doubts about your relationship and wonder if your boyfriend really loves you?  If so, then there is some degree of uncertainty in your relationship.  You are not the only girl in the world to wonder this, in fact it is quite common for girls to feel uncertain at some point in a relationship and boys aren't always the best at getting across the right messages.

A lot of girls feel great when they are with their boyfriend and they feel like everything is as it should be, but then when they are apart they begin to worry.  If they haven't called you when they said they would then you might take that as a sign that he doesn't really love you, when in actual fact he may have been busy or something came up that prevented him from calling.  When you begin to have doubts you can become obsessed with wondering if everything is OK and if your boyfriend really loves you.

Men and women are very different in the way they show emotions and feelings and sometimes it can be difficult to read a man and know what he is feeling or thinking.  So it isn't always easy to answer the question 'does he really love me' by the way he acts.  There are signs though that you can look out for that might help you to understand his feelings and love for you.

1. Does he look at you when you are having a conversation?  

When you are talking to him look into his eyes and see if he is looking back into yours.  If he does look at you while you are talking and isn't forever being distracted, then this is a good sign that he is serious about you.

2. Does he make time for you, particularly if you are having any problems or are upset?  

Will he cancel other plans to be with you if you really need him?  If so, then you can be sure that he really cares about you.

Can A Man Be Satisfied With One Woman?

I have a lot of disrespect for people who cheat. I feel like if you're in a position in a relationship where you want to see other people, and the opportunity to cheat comes up, don't.

While the propensity for men to roam the virtual hills of life in search of a sexual utopia has been well-documented, it is important that we dissect this practice, if we hope to get close to understanding this mysterious thing called male sexuality. That sex is of primary importance to a man goes without refute. While we may accurately blame socialization and culture for much of what most males practice today in terms of sexual behaviour, I honestly believe that the sexual DNA of the male pits sex right up there with breathing oxygen. In other words, it is an indelible part of who he is. Through sex, a man is defined and affirmed. Through his sexuality, his identity is made concrete. Is this merely a western socio-cultural phenomenon or is this part and parcel of the spiritual or essential make-up of a man? And what does this have to do with his ability to stay faithful to one woman?

While space and time does not allow me to delve into all of the pathologies that may contribute to male promiscuity or failure to be satisfied by one sexual partner, it is perhaps necessary that we re-examine a few ideas being bandied around out there. There is a popular school of thought, I’m sure invented and promoted by men, that when it comes to their sex-drive and sexual needs, basically they can’t help themselves. And many men hold this driven-by-my-primal-sexual-instinct dogma as gospel; particularly handy when attempting to justify their cheating  ways. Whether or not  we swallow the idea, it is pretty clear to many of us women that the male sex-drive is a distinct animal with a life of its own.

No matter how great the sexual encounter, it’s amazing that a few hours later a man still wants more! Yes; men love sex and we women generally speaking don’t have a problem with this notion. We just want that our man only loves it with us! In putting their super-charged sexuality into operation, I believe that quite a few men have simply learned dysfunctional ways of handling their overpowering need to connect. Men don’t have an innate inability to commit to one woman; it just sometimes serves their social purposes not to.

When we examine the human sex-drive in both men and women, we can’t help but notice how it reflects our God-designed need for intimacy. This is literally spelt out in the physical, emotional and spiritual connection which is experienced during intercourse. I believe, however, that since sex is a disrobing, naked moment (literally and otherwise) inherent in the act is the ability to expose both strengths and weaknesses.

Because the inherent nature of sex strips us, exposing our limitations and vulnerabilities, many men recoil from this by erecting what I call psychological guards; a major one being “the other woman”. One of man’s best-kept secrets is therefore the guard or mask of the “player-personality” who refuses to commit or settle down. This has become a useful social construct designed to give men the appearance of being in super control of their sexuality and their emotions. Regretfully, many of us women have erroneously schooled them from boyhood days to behave in this way, by discouraging them from displaying emotion for fear that this would feminize them or make them appear “soft”.

Many men will therefore seek to retain one-upmanship or what they perceive to be sexual power or superiority by not surrendering their vulnerability to any one woman. A man’s natural drive for human connection (which he may or may not be aware of) propels him to connect through his sexuality or to search for intimacy; his super-sexual drive does have a purpose. His dysfunctional way of acting this out, however, encourages him to hold out on the woman with whom he is involved and to hold on to flawed concepts of power and self-preservation. This results in a string of unsatisfactory sexual encounters which leads to a cycle of shallow, connectionless sex. Ironically, this “multi-partner-mode” while at the surface can bring a high, fails to bring any lasting sexual fulfillment and so the cycle continues.

Men, through personal coaching and counseling, can be taught to relinquish these limiting notions of their sexuality. They can unlearn the concept of sex as a display only of dominance and power. Even the language of sex as we focus on “penile-penetration” provides a sense of imbalance to the act of sex which as one friend of mine puts it, should also be thought of in terms of “vaginal-envelopment”. Only when men become comfortable with the concept of surrendering their sexual power, will the idea of commitment to one woman take on new meaning and significance.

10 Things You Need to Know About Real Love

1. To find the right person, be the right person. Before you get back into a relationship, build your life. Finish your unfinished business. Become objective about what went wrong in your last relationship, and in the relationships before that. Do a relationship inventory and a life inventory. You must discover the patterns and habits that torpedoed previous relationships before you get into a new one. If you're in a relationship and trying to salvage or save it, you—both of you—must figure out and heal that which has been hurting you and your relationship. If one partner changes, the other is forced to change or leave. You cannot maintain the status quo when one of you chooses to change.

2. To be the right person and to find real love, you must develop your boundaries. Know what you stand for before you have to stand for it. Is an affair a deal breaker? What else will you NOT stand for: Porn use? Pot abuse? Drunkenness? Forgetting to call? Standing you up? Not being financially stable? Not holding a job? Not being honest? You have to know this before you are tested. You have to be able to say, "If x happens, I am out of here—without argument."

Make sure you know what would be a deal breaker for you—and make sure you break the deal if it happens. Be committed to walking away when a deal breaker breaks. If there are other things that you think deserve second and third chances, then commit to walking away the second or third time it becomes an issue. If you stay beyond that, you're basically lying to yourself. Walk away for what you believe in. Otherwise you'll just be stuck in dysfunction again and bargaining with yourself in order to accept what you shouldn't accept.

3. Real love communicates in a healthy way. Name calling is out. Blaming and nitpicking is out. Accusations are out. Learn to begin sentences with "I feel" or "I think" or "In my opinion," and be with others who communicate similarly. Don't let anyone project onto you what you are thinking or feeling. Don't defend yourself against that which you're not doing. There is much game-playing in dysfunctional relationships. The only way to win is not to play. Healthy relationships are about forthright and honest communication.

4. Real love requires goals and aspirations, both individually and as a couple. You have to have plans and dreams, and agree on the future. You must help each other fulfill your hopes and dreams as individuals and as a couple. Figure out what you've always wanted to do—and do it. Find out what your partner wants in life and out of life. Figure out, early on, if you can and will support each other in achieving everything you've always wanted. It is important that you figure this out early on.

5. As a prelude to finding real love, learn to be discriminating in all your relationships—with family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers. Learn to make choices and not just let friendships and professional relationships "happen." Don't spend time with family just because they're family. Choose to only have those in your life who are loving, respectful, honest, and open, and who care about you. Choose people who know that trust is earned and that once broken, it's next to impossible to get back. Choose people who do not keep you guessing about how they feel, or how they feel about you. Choose people who are not ambivalent about you or their relationship with you.

Don't put up with people who say, "I'm confused," "I gotta be me," or, "I want to be a good partner, but I don't know how." You get what you put up with. If you want less doubt in your life, stop putting up with it. Real love is discriminating and insists upon loving treatment no matter what.

6. Stop being a victim. Stop thinking you have no control over what happens to you. Most people stuck in unhealthy patterns (including me when I was) are stuck in a mud pit of denial, justification, and rationalization. Learn to call yourself on your own rationalizations, and stop believing the justifications that keep you stuck and "victimized." You need to untangle yourself from any need you might have to be pitied. If you find yourself telling stories in which you were taken advantage of or someone did you wrong, and the stories are being told to generate sympathy, stop and realize that going through life as a victim is not attractive to healthy people. Take charge of yourself and what happens to you day in and day out.

7. Live with purpose. Spend some quiet time alone each day, without interruption, to think about your life and how it's structured. Think about what you need to do to "get better" in different areas. Learn to meditate by getting quiet and relaxing. Meditation is not sitting on a pillow chanting—it's just learning to calm down and go inward without distraction. Living purposefully is the opposite of living randomly. It's thinking about what you're doing when you're doing it. It's about not looking at your phone every 10 minutes, or mindlessly checking Facebook 200 times a day. It's about having your head where your feet are. Look around, and see what's going on where you are at this very minute.

Learn to be disciplined and control your urge to be tied to your phone, to dive into ice cream when you're not happy, or to do anything without really thinking about it. It's about doing the "tough" things, like sitting with your feelings, going to the gym, or eating healthy. Spend some time each day thinking about your impulses and mindless behaviors. and ways in which you can improve your self-control and self-discipline. Quiet time each day is so important to building a healthy life. Try to stretch it out. Set goals for building the amount of time you can spend every day in quiet meditation and purposeful action (and purposeful inaction). Having a say in everything you do and everything you don't do is important to being healthy and being capable of giving and receiving real love. (It is also important, when you're in a relationship, to continue to cultivate this practice and to have your own "me time" and alone time every day.)

8. Know that real love does not hurt. Yes, there are misunderstandings and upsets and disappointments in every relationship, but in healthy relationships they are not a regular happening. Real love and really loving relationships are consistent. They are not always easy, but they tend to run smoothly because everyone works at it. Love is what helps you deal with the curves that life throws at you—not what makes things more difficult. Love, real love, is support in a difficult world, not something that makes your life even harder. Real love gives each other the benefit of the doubt without being foolish about it. Pick your battles, and don't fight over everything. Don't be with people who turn everything into an argument or a challenge. It's exhausting, and doesn't need to be that way. Healthy people refuse to live that way.

The Top 10 Secrets Of Those Highly Successful Couples We All Envy

1. Successful couples enjoy each other.
It's just that simple. They like to be together, talk together, do things together. Former Beatle Ringo Starr has been married to his wife Barbara for more than three decades. He says the "secret" to the couple's longevity is this: "I'm just blessed that she puts up with me. I love the woman. She loves me. There are less down days than up, and we get on really well. We spend a lot of time together. That's the deal."

2. Successful couples fight skillfully.
"In conflict, be fair and generous," is wisdom from The Tao. When two people live together, they are bound to have differences of opinion and disagreements. Successful couples fight but do it skillfully; in a way that leaves the relationship stronger, not weaker. One technique they employ is their choice of words. For example, University of California (Berkeley) researchers looked at "connected" couples and discovered that they tend to use plural pronouns ("we", "us" and "ours") rather than singular pronouns ("I", "me" and "mine"). As a result, they were less likely to feel stressed out after the disagreement than couples who used singular pronouns. "Using 'we language' during a fight helps couples align themselves on the same team, as opposed to being adversaries," notes lead author Benjamin Seider.

3. Successful couples seek and offer forgiveness.
They may not forgive and forget, but they do forgive and let it go. When they have done something wrong or hurtful, they offer an apology. When they are the wronged party, they accept the gift of an apology. Successful couples travel the pathway toward forgiving, which is outlined by author Clarissa Pinkola Estes, who cites these four stages for arrival at complete forgiveness:

-- Forgo: Take a break from thinking about the person or event for a while.

-- Forebear: Abstain from punishing, neither thinking about it nor acting on (the offense) in small or large ways. Give a bit of grace to the situation.

-- Forget: Refuse to dwell; let go and loosen one's hold, particularly on memory. To forget is an active — not passive — endeavor.

-- Forgive: Make a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment, which includes forgiving a debt and giving up one's resolve to retaliate.4. Successful couples are in for the long haul.
"There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or you're out. There's no such thing as life in between," says professional basketball coach Pat Riley. Successful couples don't just make promises to each other; they commit. After a marriage that spans 30 years, a couple named Doris and Jim say, "We are happy together because we have lived out our vows — for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health." When Doris was in a serious auto accident a few years ago she remembers that "Jim was there all the way. He's an incredible husband, the most selfless person. He's the only person in the world I know I can count on."

5. Successful couples are positive about each other.
Marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D, says happy couples have relationships "characterized by respect, affection and empathy, and they pay close attention to what's happening in each other's lives." Furthermore, his research reveals that happy and stable couples "made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict. In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one positive remark for every single negative remark."

6. Successful couples learn and grow together.
One couple, after being married for 30 years, decided they would both return to university for master's degrees in liberal arts. "It took us nearly five years. We had a great time being in class together, studying together, reading together. The program allowed us to expand our horizons as we took courses in religion, politics, literature, history, foreign policy. We even persuaded one professor to let us write a paper together: joint authors!" Partners in successful couples play to each other's strengths and interests. If one partner becomes more health conscious, the other joins. If one partner takes up a new activity, the other partner becomes supportive and involved. The end result is a stronger emotional bond and a deeper love.

7. Successful couples never stop dating.
That was one of the "secrets" of a happy relationship uncovered by Matthew Boggs and Jason Miller. The duo traveled over 12,000 miles searching and interviewing people they called "marriage masters" — those married 40 years or more. One common element to many marriage masters was their ability to keep the romance going. Some set aside one evening a week for a date, others planned romantic getaways periodically, while others still met most afternoons for conversation at a coffee or tea shop.

8. Successful couples bring each other joy.
In his book, The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life's Terms with Your Own, Ken Druck, Ph.D, tells about a workshop he gave to his wife as a birthday gift. "She had a beautiful voice that she rarely used. What better gift than to unleash the joy she already possessed." In the workshop, participants of every age and background were encouraged to "vanquish the wagging finger of self-condemnation and sing their hearts out." The workshop high point was a live concert for family and friends. "With the exception of our children's births, I can never recall my wife as having been so joyful and happy."

9. Successful couples adhere to the 60/40 rule.
Boggs and Miller also discovered that "marriage masters" have a high level of selflessness. "Walter" whom they interviewed, told them, "I'll never forget what my mentor told my wife and me before we got married 42 years ago. He looked at us and said, 'Most people think marriage is 50/50. It's not. It's 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you." It was a principle Walter and his wife adhered to faithfully.

10. Successful couples have shared values.
When asked about her successful relationship of 58 years, "Emma" age 87, smiled and proudly said, "It is quite an achievement. It's important to have the same basic values. In other words, if you're a free spender, marry someone who understands that. If you're frugal, you need to marry someone who understands that because money is one of the stumbling blocks in marriage. Fortunately, we had the same values on most things. We usually had the same goals — we believed in education; we wanted to be moral; we wanted to raise children to be good citizens and to be responsible in terms of finances."

Poet Robert Browning put the secret to successful couples in a nutshell when he wrote, "Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: It is being the right person."