Inlaws in marriage, wow, I can't think of another topic that has fueled the routine of more stand up comics than this. It can be a slippery slope to be sure. You want to like your in-laws, and have them like you. But sometimes they just don't know when to quit, do they? Finding common ground, and peace will require a few simple techniques for you and your spouse to learn.
My first marriage ended in divorce. It wasn't a shock to anyone. My husband begged me to marry him shortly after we started dating. I, of course, said no at first since it was just too soon. But as we got to know each other better and fell in love, my "no" turned to a "yes" and we were married.
The problems started long before the wedding bells started ringing. During the planning of our wedding his mother would constantly barge in and want to make changes to our plans. The truth is that that wouldn't have been such a problem except for the fact that my spineless soon-to-be husband let her!
That is rule number one when dealing with Inlaws in marriage: always, always keep a united front. You can argue like cats and dogs when you are alone behind closed doors, but when someone else (yes, even a parent) tries to make decisions or change existing plans you tell them no!
I'll tell you right now, it's a real kick in the teeth when the person you love and who you think loves you will take his mothers advice and make changes to your wedding plans without even asking you for your opinion. And yes, I know what you're thinking, I probably should have called it off right then and there.
And that leads me to point number two: the problems are usually pretty easy to spot if you aren't actively trying to ignore them . If your spouse was unable to set proper boundaries with their parents before the two of you got married, what in the world made you think they would after you got married?
It's wonderful that they have a close relationship with their parent(s), but there still has to be boundaries. It's you and them now not them and their parents. That may sound harsh but that is the way it has to be. You and them are the couple, you are in this life together and must make your decisions together. It's fine to get the opinion of a parent, it's even advisable since their experience may be able to help you make better choices, but ultimately decisions have to be made by the two of you only.
When it comes to dealing with Inlaws in marriage it's all about setting boundaries. The longer the two of you have been together (and the longer your inlaws have gotten their own way) the harder it will be to establish those boundaries, but if you want your marriage to succeed you must do it. And you and your spouse must be able to find some common ground. A therapist may be able to help with that part.
No comments:
Post a Comment